she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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