Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
