I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
