sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
