6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
