Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
