I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
