woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
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So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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