The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
