I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
