I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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