He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
