My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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