My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
