so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
