Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
