This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
