Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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