my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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