my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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