four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
