You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
