You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
