Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
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Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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