So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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