matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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