I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
