puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
