don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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