then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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