Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
