at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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