They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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