Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
