Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
