Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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