And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
