my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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