break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
