totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
