i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
