trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
