mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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