i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
