People in love make me want to vomit
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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