That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
