I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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