i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
