Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
