There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You can't motorboat a personality
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
