apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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