Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
