i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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