don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
