saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
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