My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
